The First 'M' in Communicate! Part 3 is Here!

We are moving forward in order to create healthier and stronger relationships and communication processes. We had started with the 'C' for Care and then the 'O' for Observe.  Now it's time to move on to the first 'M' for 'Make Time'.

This is such an important aspect to our ability to communicate not only with others, but with ourselves!  Time never stops and continues moving.  We can't stop time, but we can influence it.  Do you use the excuse that you don't have time to communicate with someone or take time for yourself?  I'm sure you do!  Healthy and strong communication takes time.  You may need to find some ways to influence your time so that you truly communicate and listen to you, your loved ones, those you work with and even to those you pass by.  When you make time to listen, you are using the 'C'-Care and 'O'-observe in order to truly understand the needs of others and of yourself!

Making time seems to be one of the hardest things for us to do.  We find ourselves stressed as we never have enough time to complete this task, do our jobs or what have you.  If you don't stop and look in the mirror and see yourself, you will find that time becomes more and more of an issue!  You are hurting your relationships with your loved ones, your co-workers, yourself and others.  You begin to focus on what is not important and begin a journey of stress by creating unbalanced living and relationships.

Here are a couple ways you can build the 'M', the Make Time piece:

1.  Create a simple way to plan your week and even plan your social time.  If you follow my www.careermadesimple.com site, you know that I continually stress using 15 minutes on Sunday nights to plan your week.  In those plans you need to plan "time" for yourself as well.  Prioritize your week with a simple strategy of using letters, numbers, colors or symbols that will help you prioritize what you have coming up for the week.  Know that there are things that need to be done within a certain amount of time and plan them!  Then take those items that are important, but more flexible and move them as needed as the week proceeds!  Those lower importance items can be deleted as the week goes on or can be moved to much later dates.  Even if you do this, here is where you fail when it comes to Communication!  You will prioritize only those work items that are important or school homework and other items like this.  You won't prioritize those items like talking to your kids, your spouse, your loved ones, and others as high.  Why not?  They are the most cherished people you have in your life.  They are the greatest treasure you have!  What about yourself?  You need to make a high priority to spend time on yourself whether it be reading a book, relaxing, exercising....you name it.  Listen to what your body is saying and actually schedule some time!

2. Leave things where they need to be left!  Here is a simple strategy that will help you improve your communication and open up some time.  We tend to carry around issues and taking them into arenas where they don't belong.  This creates confusion and takes away from the those things that are important for the interaction you are involved in.  You need to open up time by taking on those conflicts or items that you are dwelling on.  You have an issue at work for example.  The issue at work needs to be discussed with the individuals who are involved at work.  When you don't handle that right away, you begin to worry and dwell which takes away from your TIME!  How can you make time for your loved ones when you are focused on an issue that doesn't involve them?  Why throw it into their arena?  Why take away from the time you need for yourself?  Why?  You need to leave things where they belong and handle them there!  This may seem complicated, but it's not.  I would love to help you with my latest theory that will help you understand and correct this behavior. You will find that you have more quality time in life to truly communicate!  Just leave things where they belong and plan out how you will handle them!  I would love to help you with this, so contact me or Karina at khernst@syr.edu!

Please contact me via my website at www.thetajlgroup.com on the Contact Page or through the Live Chat option!  If you use the Live Chat option by July 25th, you may receive a copy of my eBook "Quick Guide to Success. Interviewing Strategies." (PDF version).  I have 5 copies left to give away.....could be gone in the next hour.  Just contact me via the Live Chat option, ask question and I will send it to your email address!  Catch me if you can as this FREEBIE is going fast!

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In the book "The Prayer of Jabez" by Wilkinson, I found this sentence that makes sense.  "What counts in knowing what you want to be and asking for it!"  When's the last time you even asked yourself for what you want?

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Contact Karina at khernst@syr.edu!  She's amazing!  (Yes she's a Syracuse'er! Go Orange!)

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Part Two to Stronger Communication and Relationships! "O" - CO........

The "O" is part two in this process as we spell out Communicate!  "C" was to care and we understand that we must truly care first.  What about this "O"?

"O": Observe.  This is the next step in better understanding those you interact with as you journey through life.  Looking up the definition of "observe" generates two major themes.  The first definition of observe gives us a theme of noticing, perceiving something or someone and to make note as being significant.  Our second definition takes us on the theme that we fulfill or comply with.... a social, legal, religious, ethical or other obligation.  With those two definitions in mind, which one truly is important in our quest to build stronger communication and relationships?

The answer to that question actually encompasses both meanings.  When we find that we truly care in a relationship, we then begin to notice the other person(s) and make our interaction significant.  Often time though, we are too focused on other aspects within our own world or mind that we fail to truly observe the other person's need or request from us.  This can begin the cycle of a relationship of turmoil.  So....what about this other definition?  This can really make our interactions exciting to say the very least.  If we become so absorbed in our obligations, we often fail to see the other "side" in the interaction and their obligations.  Wow.... we just created a thunderstorm of activity in our relationship with another.  Wait.......what if we practice the "C" first?  Can that help change the outcome in this relationship?  Sure can....but it comes down to you taking control of your actions, approach and thoughts, and understanding that you cannot change the other person.  You can only influence their actions and thoughts just as they can influence yours!

Here are some simple ideas to help you grow the "O" in your communication:

1.  You must approach the interaction understanding the "where" the other person(s) comes from.  What obligations do they carry with them?  You need to perceive their beliefs and values as you approach the interaction.  What if you meet this person in public or they are a customer? That's simple.  Get a quick idea of who they are by the location you are interacting with them in. What "kind" of individual would frequent this place?  What are their initial comments and questions?  If you are not sure, just ask!  Simple thing to do...."How can I help you?" Try this in a coffee shop with someone who seems distant or appears through our perception to be feeling low.  What baggage are they bringing into this conversation or into the relationship?  Put your obligations and beliefs on hold in order to assess where this other person is coming from.

2.  When you begin to speak of your "obligations" or at least hint around them, what do you observe in the other individual?  What does their body language tell you?  Their eyes?  What comments come from their mouths?  We tend to get really defensive if we sense a negative reaction to our comment or belief.  Stop.....don't dwell on that reaction and observe "YOU" first.  How are you reacting and responding to other person?  What are you saying? How are you saying it?  Quick eval.......then move on.  See.....we aren't always going to agree with another person and understand .....that is okay.  We just need to observe their "obligations" to understand their words and reactions towards us.  Instead of becoming defensive, become offensive without being "offensive".  What?!?  Begin to be pro-active and not re-active.  Do this without insults, harsh words, disgusted body language, and more.  Do this by simply affirming and asking questions!  "I understand your thoughts on this, but how does this build upon the need for "X"?" You fill in the "X".

3. You must observe the "YOU" in you.  Your "obligations" are important to you and you must not change in order to maintain the relationship.  This only leads to you trying to become something you aren't.  Love is powerful, but without a good foundation it is not always strong enough.  The strength of your relationship is based on your maintaining of your values.  Hey!  What if my values change?  Okay....your values may change, but you as a person don't change.   We often label ourselves based on behaviors instead of who we truly are.  Have you determined your "purpose" in life?  Who are you?  Look deep inside and understand who "YOU" are.  What are your passions?  Dreams? What is that deep inner feeling of what you are to be in life?  Are you willing to give this up in order to maintain a relationship that "changes" you?  Deep stuff....too deep for this blog!!!  Probably will confuse you.  I'll stop......there is an interesting process to get through this piece and be able to understand and have healthy relationships even with your "enemies"!  Since you are "YOU", your process may vary from another......deep...I'll stop!

If you want to learn more about how to communicate and build relationships through observation, please contact me at thetajlgroup@gmail.com.   I have some great coaching processes to help you......and we can develop your individual process to handle number 3!!!

Take care....live your life to the fullest!  You have one, so make it an amazing adventure!

Please note: Contact me today if you are struggling in a relationship or having difficulty with interactions at work and home!  Together we can make your life amazing!  Mention this blog and you will receive a FREE initial consultation!

Contact Information:

The amazing assistant:  khernst@syr.edu
Jeffrey Directly:  thetajlgroup@gmail.com  (I will provide you my cell number if preferred)
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11 Part Process to Stronger Communication and Relationships! "C"

This is going to be an 11 part posting about how to "Communicate"!  Communication is considered the key to successful relationships and interactions with others.   Let's get started with the first "C" in communicate!

"C" :  Care!   Within any relationship the first thing one must do is care!  If you were to look up the definition of care, you would find that it simply means to feel concern, attach importance or paying serious attention. You will also find that it means to look after or provide for the needs of another and more.  The big question is then, "Do you care?"

For educators, the big key is to care first and curriculum second.  For success in school, the students must feel that they are being cared for and are important.  Often as educators, we can find ourselves so absorbed in the processes and getting through the curriculum that we fail to get to "know" the student.   Finding your base in this type of relationship is essential to the long term success of the individuals.   How do you communicate that care?  What about other relationships?   The same type of reasoning applies as well.  You must care first!  Not only must you care about the other person or persons in the relationship, but you must also care about yourself.   We often hear that we must "love ourselves before we can love others."   If that statement is true, then we must "care about ourselves before we can care about others."  Whatever you believe, you must understand that we truly must care first!

Here are some simple solutions to building stronger communication which leads to stronger relationships even with Yourself!  How to "Care" when we "Communicate"!

1. You need to define how you feel about the other person or persons you are interacting with.  You may not "truly" like the other individual(s), but you must find that purpose for the interaction.  We are all faced with communicating with individuals that we have an interest in as well as those who come into our lives due to work or other situations.  No matter what the case may be, you must find at least one piece that is important to this interaction.  Put aside other feelings or past "events" and seek the importance of this one interaction.  Find it in your inner being to have some sense of concern for the interaction at hand and truly for the others that are involved.  Remember that your actions and approach will determine the outcome of this interaction.
2. Your actions play an important part in this first piece of "Communicate."  When interacting with another individual, your body language needs to express an interest in the other individual(s) or issue at hand.  Go back to the purpose of this interaction and put aside other feelings.  Open up your posture!  When we cross our arms and find ourselves leaning back,  we are expressing "defense", lack of trust and an "I don't care" attitude.  Even if you feel that way, force your body language to open up. Open up your posture by uncrossing those arms, lean forward a little and acknowledge them by simple "head" nods and hand gestures.  This display shows that you are listening and have an interest in what is being said - that you care.  Practice this in the mirror.....you can do it!  Be open and positive!  Smiling is a great touch unless it is something that is very serious.  Know the audience!
3. Let them speak and be open to listening to what is being said.  You can demonstrate "Care" through your responses.  Ask questions for clarification and even paraphrase some of their comments.  Acknowledge their feelings and ask simple questions to help them discover their answers to what they are dealing with.  Let them express themselves, but help them stay focused on what the purpose of the interaction is.  Just be "You" and find it in you to "Care".  Once you find yourself focused on the other individual and not on you, the whole relationship will grow.  Make this a special moment, but set limitations!  When you listen, you must also know the limits of your abilities and time.  You can always refer the other person to another, an organization or a professional.  If the issue being discussed is about you,  listen and respond honestly!  You must also care about yourself and express your feelings and needs as well.  Honesty is the simple, yet effective approach to strong "Caring" communication!

We will complete Communicate....next post is "O"!

Should you contact me via my email at thetajlgroup@gmail.com or via my website at www.thetajlgroup.com and mention this post, I will give you 80% off coaching and consulting services!

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We Are All Made to be Unique, so Love the Uniqueness!

The beauty of life is that we were all made with some piece that is unique from those around us.  Instead of celebrating what makes each of us unique, we judge and demean.  We even criticize our own unique qualities instead of finding how these unique qualities could be of service to us and those around us.

The definition of unique finds itself as being the only one of its kind and unlike anything else.  The unique qualities of us make us distinctive, special, individual and even idiosyncratic!  What?  Idiosyncratic?  That sounds like idiot with some syncratic in it! Oh...it means distinctive, unique and more.  Whew....for a second there I thought being critical was going to be okay as our uniqueness makes us idiots!  Actually it can if our approach is off!  We need to stop thinking of the uniqueness of others as strange and "scary".  How can we build upon these qualities?  How can we be compassionate?

Uniqueness is being limited in occurrence to certain situations, areas and classes as well as being limited to a single outcome or result.  Here is where we are challenged to see the beauty in the unique qualities we all have. Certain groups have unique customs, foods, language and other qualities that identify them.  Within each of these groups we begin to find unique qualities among the individuals.  These qualities can be physical, emotional, attitudinal, and more....  We tend to judge groups based on the outlying qualities and fail to realize that the individuals themselves are different.  Once we begin to know and truly understand the individuals, we begin to realize the beauty of the group.  We see a physical uniqueness of someone or observe a unique behavior and then immediately go back to our perceptions.  Our perceptions are based on our prior experiences, thoughts, implanted beliefs, upbringing, what she said, and more!  We create  our realities of someone or some group with our perceptions based on what we have heard or through "one" experience. We focus on the perception and begin to judge and miss out on the opportunity to grow from that individual or group and even to share our uniqueness with them.   Guess what?  As you throw your perceptions and fail to embrace the uniqueness of those around you, they are doing the same to you!

How do we stop the madness?  It is quite simple.  Mastering the simplicity is an amazing thing.  If you would take an approach that celebrates what is before you, you would begin to see how wonderful YOU are as well as how wonderful those around you are!  Instead of focusing on the failure and creating issues, look at the upside of each person, quality and situation.  From all that seems bad, comes good.  If we would embrace and accept ourselves and those around us for who we are, we would have enhanced relationships and experiences.  You might be like...."What are you talking about?"  I understand because my uniqueness is based on seeing the opportunity for ALL to experience an amazing life adventure!  I see qualities in people they don't see themselves and know the amazing things they could do with their uniqueness.  I tell them!  It isn't hard to see your own potential of your uniqueness if you let go!  To let go is to judge less and love more!  Wake up each day and be thankful for who you are and for others, scream that the day is going to be the best ever and carry your positive attitude with you throughout the day.  When someone begins to fall or fail, catch them.  When someone around you begins to lose faith in themselves and their uniqueness, support them.  We can't change those around us, but only influence them.  If we begin to look at the beauty in the uniqueness of ourselves and others and celebrate it, then those around us will begin to do the same.  As smiles are contagious in life, so are our reactions and behaviors towards ourselves and others!

Go live life and love all the uniqueness of each day!

You Can't Just "Blow" it Away, You Have to "Suck" it Up!

I seem to be focusing on "leaf blowers" this past month!  Thank goodness for the snow yesterday as this will keep the "blowers" from irritating us all!  I wanted to discuss how "blowing" your yard waste around is kind of like how we don't handle issues in life and just keep pushing it around and around.  So...here it goes.

I constantly hear the sound of a leaf blower in my neighborhood and around town during my travels.  I notice how the operator just blows the clippings, leaves and other items out in the street, the neighbor's lawn, or whatever seems convenient.  Why don't the operators use the vacuum option and just "suck" up the waste and discard it?  I know there are those two options on these "leaf blowing" tools.  That is how we often approach our "trash" or issues in life.  We tend to just blow them around and expect everyone else to deal with it or clean it up for us.  It doesn't work as illustrated by one guy with his "leaf blower"!  He must use that thing at least twice a day in order to clean up the area around his house.  You see, the wind blows and just blows that stuff right back from where he blew it away.  What a waste of time and energy on his part as it becomes a never ending process....nothing gets accomplished!   All that is happening is that the "yard waste" just gets shuffled around and around until someone picks it up or nature eventually sends it far away.  The "trash" never gets dealt with and continues to irritate the "leaf blowing man".   We need to understand this illogical approach to cleaning up our "life issues" as well.  We can't just wish it or dream it away, we have to deal with it!  How do we deal with it?

The other option on a "leaf blower" is the vacuum option.  What happens with this option is that the leaves and other yard items get "sucked" up into the machine, mulched and distributed into the attached bag.  The operator then empties the bag as it gets full into a yard receptacle and then continues until the "yard waste" has been cleaned up.  How simple is that?  Well, that can be accomplished in our own lives as we deal with difficult relationships, issues, obstacles...what have you.  You need to deal with the conflict right away.  I don't mean that you go in and "grind" everybody up with your new found idea, but that you go in with some simple strategy and "clean" up the mess.  Whenever we are faced with a conflict, the longer we "blow" it off and not deal with it the bigger it becomes.  Just "blowing" the leaves around doesn't reduce the waste, only allows for more waste to accumulate.  This is exactly what happens when we don't deal with a conflict.  We push it around, share it with others, get more people involved, spend time self-medicating and hoping it goes away, and more!  Stop!  Turn the "blower" to the "suction" mode and begin to deal with it!  Be honest in your approach and find ways to calmly clean up the "mess".  But how?

Start your approach by figuring out what "issues" really exist.  We create most if not all of our issues in life!  How big is the "pile" that is before you?  What have you added that you can clean up first in order to reduce the conflict?  Admit your own part in the issue and "suck" it up first.  Take responsibility and then begin to decide how you will approach the other "trash" left behind by someone else.  Your approach is going to determine how difficult of a time you have!  Be positive and turn the "vacuum" on low.  Don't rush in and try to pick it up all at once!  Take a few pieces at a time and constantly empty the "bag".

Your relationships in life are simple if you allow yourself to make mistakes and move on!  Need some help in this part of your "yard"?  Please contact me through my website at www.thetajlgroup.com, via email at thetaljgroup@gmail.com and listen to our radio show at www.blogtalkradio.com/jeffreylund "Mastering Life's Simplicity"   I want to help you help yourself and others in this world!